


Silence Is the Loudest Scream

by CaptainHookness (GhostOpera)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Elliot is kind of abusive, Haha kind of, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Nick is a kind of broken, That's why it's tagged, all of the angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:36:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3510296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostOpera/pseuds/CaptainHookness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Former SVU detective, Elliot Stabler hit a rock bottom after he quit his job at the NYPD. He and Nick Amaro fell in love at a bar, got engaged, but that's when things seemed to take a turn for their worst. Elliot became jealous and abusive. First it was verbal, but then it got physical. Never had it been sexual abuse, but Nick was always afraid that would be next. Nick can't keep his secret forever, so he has to find some way to get out of this toxic relationship with Elliot himself, or reach out for help from his friends at the precinct.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Quietly Screaming For Help

Nick wondered into the squad room about two hours late, which earned him a few words with Olivia since it was the forth day in a row that he was late. He took a seat in Liv's office and bit his lip, avoiding eye contact with his sergeant.

 

"Nick, what's going on lately? You've been late every day this week, there is something going on at home, and you know you can talk to me about it." Olivia smiled sweetly at Nick and crossed her legs, "Do you want to tell me anything?"

 

Nick thought for a while, his eyes fixed on the floor, "Just some issues with my boyfriend, nothing you need to worry about it." He smiled and stood up, quickly leaving and sitting down at his desk. Everything returned to normal pretty quickly; he and Fin had their usual talk about sports. Rollin's talked to him about getting a pet, and he and Sonny had their usual morning argument over nothing in particular.

 

Nick turned back to his desk as his cell began to buzz; he bit his lip when he saw it was his boyfriend, Elliot Stabler. Nick excused himself and went into the bathroom, answering his phone.

 

Elliot on the other line, was beyond angry. He began to accuse nick of cheating. Again.

 

Nick spent the first few minutes of the phone call listening to Elliot yell at him for seemingly no reason, then he spent the next hour explaining that he wasn't cheating and no one else had been in their bed. 

 

After Nick finally hung up with his lover, he slid down the wall and tightly wrapped his arms around himself.

 

"Nick?" called Carisi's voice, causing Nick to flench a little bit. When Nick finally was able to pull himself together, he stood up and pushed Elliot into the back of his mind as headed out to see what Sonny wanted.

 

"Amaro! We've got a case!" Sonny beamed as he grabbed his coat.

 

Nick grabbed his coat and sighed, unsure of why Sonny would be so thrilled about having another dead rape victim. He took a deep breath and walked out behind Olivia, his eyes fixed on the floor all of the way out to the car. He took a seat in the driver's side and sped off once Olivia was in the car. "The victim?" he asked as they drove along. 

 

"Seventeen year old female, obvious signs of sexual assault; her clothes torn, traces of semen on her breasts, and that's all we know right now." Olivia pointed to the left and told Nick to turn.

 

When they arrived at the scene, Nick pulled on his gloves and approached the officers who were already on the scene. He knelt down to the body, his eyes going soft. "She barely had a chance" he sighed, looking for any ID and then over at Dr. Warner, "Cause of death?"

 

Warner sighed and looked up at Nick, "My best guess is asphyxiation but I won't know for sure until I get back to the lab."

 

Nick mumbled a half-hearted 'thank you' before turning back to Olivia, watching her talk with other officers.

 

"You okay, Amaro?" asked Melinda, watching the way Nick seemed to tense at the question. "Problems with home life"

 

"You could say that" Nick said softly, his eyes falling to the ground. He sighed and kicked at the snow, wanting to vent and let everything out, but he knew Melinda could care less. He smiled down at her and walked off, his phone buzzing like crazy.

 

Melinda watched after the detective, taking a mental note to check him over later.

 

"Her name is Jade Copperford, she's a guitarist in a local death metal band." informed Olivia as Nick wrapped himself even tighter in the black trench coat.

 

"That's a new one" Amaro smirked, watching as they carried off the young girl. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through Elliot's texts, demanding him to come home.

 

Nick rolled his eyes and got in the car with Olivia, "Kisten, I've got an emergancy at hime, is there any way I can drop you off at the precinct and meet you at her family's house?"

 

"Nick you can't keep doing this. You can't come in late and then ask me if you can go home in the middle of a case." Olivia sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "But yes, you can go home. Just this once."

 

"Thank you" Nick sighed, wrapping his hands tightly around the steering wheel of the car. He smiled over at Liv and drove off in the direction of the precinct.

 

Once they arrived at their destination, Nick let Olivia out before smiling and driving off. He arrived home and got out of the car, hanging up with Olivia before unlocking the door and preparing himself for what was probably about to come. "Ell?" he said shyly as he opened the door.


	2. It Was My Fault Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot thinks Nick has to be at his every beck and call.

"Where the hell have you been?" Elliot demanded, his voice full of hate and anger.

 

"I've been at work!" Nick argued back, "I have a case to work!"

 

"Excuses" Elliot snarled, moving to punch Nick in the jaw, causing him to wince and stumble back.

 

"Baby, I was working a case! I'm not cheating on you" Nick cried out, trying his hardest to calm his lover. He fell backwards as Elliot's fist collided with his eye this time. "Why would I cheat on you? You're all I've got.." Nick let out a pained cry as Elliot grabbed him by his hair, his teeth gritted. 

 

"I think you just need a good fucking sometimes" he growled, "And sometimes I think that you would be better off dead, you're just a waste of space!"

 

Nick let out a small cry as Elliot spoke, his words hitting him like bullets to the heart. "Ell, I love you, why would you say something like that? I've always been here for you and I don't plan on leaving!" That was a total lie, Nick was desperately searching for a way out. He was thinking of finally reaching out to everyone at SVU; he loved Elliot, but he was so tired of being beat every night when he would come home. Enough is enough, right? He grunted and twisted out of his lover's hold, trying to scramble out the door, Elliot grabbed Nick once again and had him on the floor with an effortless kick to the shin. Nick stared up at Elliot in fear, yelping when he was kneed in the nose.

 

"I'm going out" Elliot grumbled as he grabbed his coat. He smirked and knelt down to peck Nick on the lips and then to kiss his forehead, "Love you, Nicki" he purred, putting his coat on and heading out the door.

 

Nick sat against the wall, trembling like mad, the tears mixing with the blood that was oozing from his nose. He had to meet Liv at the Copperfod house in less than ten minutes. Painfully, he stood up and made his way to the bathroom to clean his face and making sure nothing was broken because  _fuck_ did Elliot punch hard.

 

He finally -  _finally -_ arrived at the house of Jade Copperford; he sighed and stepped up to the door, knocking lightly. He was greeted by a grieving husband and ... Husband?

 

"Hello, I'm detective Amaro; NYPD" Nick said softly, flashing his badge at the two men, who smiled and stepped aside to let him in. 

 

Nick smiled and mumbled a soft  'thank you' when one of the men brought him a cup of coffee. "Hey, Liv" he said happily before taking a seat before the two men. "So you two are Jade's fathers?"

 

One of the men smiled, "Yes. Proudly. I'm Colin and this is Ryan."

 

"Nice to meet you both" Nick chuckled, "Now, did Jade have any enemies? Any boyfriends or girlfriends?"

 

Ryan nodded, "She had a boyfriend for a while, his name was Jack - Jack Kettles, he was the bass player for her band. But she broke up with him, and now she has a girlfriend. Her name is Jennifer Leogier."

 

Colin took hold of Ryan's hand and sighed, "Please find whom ever did this."

 

Olivia smiled and shook both their hands, "You have our word."

 

When the two exited the house, Olivia turned to Nick and frowned, "What the hell happened to you?"

 

Nick cocked an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

 

Liv stepped in front of the other detective, blocking him from the car. "I mean all of the bruises on your face" she scoffed, "Did your boyfriend do that to you?"


	3. Promise You Won't Tell Anyone

Nick tensed for a moment, trying to find an excuse to say that: no, my absuive boyfriend did not punch me. He shook his head, "No, I almost got mugged" he murmured.

 

Olivia crossed her arms, "Nick, that doesn't make any sense. You drove to your house." She watched as Nick seemed to curl in on himself. "You have to talk to me. I can help you and you know that!"

 

"I don't need help, Liv" Nick suddenly snapped. "My boyfriend isn't abusing me! I told you I got mugged." He ran a hand through his hair and tossed Liv the keys, "I'm walking," he grumbled, starting to make his way down the street. He ignored Olivia as she called after him. Even as he walked down the street, looking at all of the happy couples around him. It made the detective wonder if he should have told his partner the truth.

 

Eventually, Nick arrived back at the squad room, earning a few strange looks from Amanda and Sonny, who were casually chatting together.

 

"Hey Nick" Carisi said softly, "What happened to your face?"

 

"Nothing" Amaro replied, quickly excusing himself and rushing into the men's room. Carisi watched after Nick, a frown on his face.

 

He followed after Amaro and locked the bathroom door shut behind them, "Nick, talk to me. I know something is up with you. Don't give me that bullshit and say that nothing happened, because I know that look; I know that nervous fidgeting that you're doing. Something is bothering you and you're afraid to tell anyone about it."

 

Nick stayed silent for a while, trying his hardest to hold back his tears. He jumped slightly when Sonny put his hand on his shoulder, "If I tell you, you have to promise to not tell anyone, not until I'm ready, okay?"

 

Sonny tensed for a moment, "Nick, you know that's going to be hard?"

 

"Please? Sonny, please..."

 

The other man hesitated before nodding slowly, "I promise"

 

Nick took a deep breath, finally opening his mouth to speak, "My boyfriend is abusive. He's always so jealous and thinking that I'm cheating on him. I went home and he hit me because he thought I was out with another guy..."

 

"Nick, I'm so sorry" Carisi said sadly, pulling Nick into his arms.

 

"It's okay, I'm trying to get out, but it is just so hard. I don't know how I'm going to hide from him." Nick wiped away a few tears and smiled up at Sonny, "I've got to get back to work." He pat Sonny on his shoulder and headed back out to the squad room, freezing in his tracks when he saw Elliot sitting on his desk, talking to Fin and Olivia. Taking a deep breath, Nick headed into Olivia's office, taking a moment to gather himself before going out where everyone else was.

 

"Nicki!" Elliot beamed, moving to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and press a loving kiss to his lips

 

Fin and Olivia looked at each other in disbelief, Fin finally speaking up, "So when did you turn for one of New York's finest detectives?"

 

Nick put on the best fake smile and hugged Elliot's waist, listening to his lover tell the story on how they met. Nick looked over at Carisi and let his smile fade.

 

"Amaro, can I talk to you?" Carisi spoke up, watching as Nick squirmed out of Elliot's arms and headed into the back, following afer him. "Is that your boyfriend?"

 

Nick nodded, running a shaky  hand through his hair, "Fuck, I don't know why he would come up here."

 

Carisi held Nick in his arms and sighed, rubbing his back slowly. 

 

 

 

"Do you know where Nicki is? I've gotta run and I want to say bye to him." 

 

Amanda smiled, "Oh, he followed Sonny into the interrogation room."

 

Elliot smiled and headed into the back, his smile quickly fading when he saw Nick in the other detective's arms.

 

"Nicki" Elliot said sweetly as he opened the door. "Can we have a minute?" He waited until the other detective left before closing the door and grabbing Nick by the throat, "So you were cheating on me!!" he yelled, causing Nick to turn his head and whine.

 

"I'm not cheating!"

 

Elliot scoffed and shoved Nick back into the wall, punching him square in the jaw. Once, twice, three times and Nick was struggling to stay conscious. When Elliot finally smashed Nick's head into the wall, Nick couldn't even see straight, let alone fight back. Broken bones, broken hand, blood dripping down his face.

 

Carisi began to get worried when Nick hadn't come back after a while. He rushed back into the interrogation room, just in time to watch as Elliot slam Nick's head into the glass window. "I need help back here!" he yelled as he burst into the small room, wrestling with Elliot and cuffing him.

 

 

As the two officers took Elliot away and Fin and Rollins were in Olivia's office, explaining everything that happened, leaving her in utter shock.

 

Carisi knelt down and took Nick's hand, "We called an ambulance, you're okay, you're safe now."

 

Nick's vision was blurred and he couldn't speak. He squeezed Sonny's hand, laying his head on his knee. 

 

When the paramedics came and took Nick to the hospital, Sonny rode with him, soothingly rubbing his hand with his thumb and never leaving his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shits getting real now. What will Olivia think?


	4. I'm Okay, But The Question Is... Are You?

"How is he?" asked Sonny as he approached the doctor that was coming out of Nick's room.

 

The doctor sighed, "He has a concussion, temporary blindness, and a few bruised ribs, not to mention the broken wrist and hand."

 

"Jesus" Carisi mumbled under his breath, "Can I see him?"

 

Sonny had all but sprinted into Nick's hospital room when the doctor gave him the clear. "Nick?" he said sadly, looking at the detective laying almost helplessly in bed with his hand wrapped up in a cast that went from his elbow to his hand. "A pink cast?" he chuckled.

 

"I knew having Zara pick out the colour was a bad idea" replied Nick; his voice was groggy and monotone, but he still tried to have a bit of humour in his tone.

 

Sonny just smiled and took his friend's hand (the one that wasn't broken) and bit his lip, "We arrested Elliot. He's going away for a while"

 

"I don't want to press charges" Nick grunted, causing Sonny's mouth to practically drop open.

 

"Nick... He nearly beat you to death, you're blind now!"

 

"It's only temporary" argued Nick.

 

"Yeah, because your brain bounced off your skull so hard when he bashed your head into the wall!"

 

Nick just sighed, "Dominik, you're being ridiculous."

 

"Don't you dare call me Dominik" Sonny spat, pointing an angry finger at Nick, which only caused the other detective to whimper and hold his arms up to shield his face.

 

"Look at yourself, Nick" Sonny sighed, taking a deep breath, "I raise my voice just a little and you act like I'm about to punch you." He kissed his fingers and pressed them to Nick's forehead, "I've gotta run, but I'll be back later" he smiled, standing up and grabbing his coat from the back of the chair he had thrown it on.

 

"Don't go" Nick whined, hugging himself with his broken arm and grabbing Sonny's hand with the other, "Not yet" he whispered.

 

Sonny laughed quietly and took a seat on the bed, humming as Nick squeezed his hand, "I've got paper work to do" he said softly, grinning at the pout that had appeared on his friend's face. "And you should be getting some rest."

 

Nick whined again and ran a  hand through his hair, pulling Carisi down next to him, "Then rest with me." He grinned happily and snuggled against his friend tightly.

 

"Nicki" Carisi giggled, watching as Nick's playful smile seemed to fade.

 

"Yes, sir?" Amaro squeaked.

 

"Sir?" questioned Sonny, "Is that what Elliot made you call him? He made  _his fiancé_ answer to him as  _sir?_ "

 

Nick nodded slowly, playing with his fingers, although he couldn't see them. "Sir, or just Elliot, but never the names that any other boyfriend would call their significant other."

 

"Then why do you still want to be with him?"

 

"Because I love him"

 

Carisi tensed for a moment, "So to show you that he loves you, he punches you, bashes your head into walls? If that is what I Love You means now days, then I'm done" he sighed, "If it means that you end up in the hospital - Nick, how long have you and Elliot been together?"

 

"Almost five years" replied Nick, yawning as he rubbed his eyes and cuddled into his blanket more. "What does this-"

 

"And now how many times have you been to the ER in the last four year?"

 

Nick shrugged, "I don't know"

 

Sonny took a deep breath, "As in you don't actually know or because you lost count?" He watched as Nick's eyes seemed to move from his fingers to the other side of the room.

 

"Have you been to the hospital more times in the last five years than you had been in thirty-six years prier?"

 

Nick nodded slowly, hanging his head in shame. "Yeah"

 

"Nick, I think you need to press charges. Elliot shouldn't be allowed to get away with that." Carisi reached out a hand to caress his cheek, frowning when Amaro flenched away, "Can you see my hand?"

 

"Yes, but it is really blurred."

 

Sonny smiled, "I'm going to go find a doctor to see if I can take you home for the night." He grinned again and stood up, "I'll be right back" he said sweetly, leaving to find a nurse or doctor.

 

 

He returned after ten minutes or so with a nurse, "I can take you home now. It's better if I take you home than you stay here."

 

Nick nodded slowly, letting the nurse remove his IVs before standing up and feeling his way into the bathroom to change.

 

He finally emerged from the bathroom after a few minutes and blinked a few times, asking Carisi if he could button his shirt. Sonny happily complied, blushing lightly at the sight of Nick's torso.

 

When Carisi finished up, he took Nick's hand and placed a pair of dark sunglasses in it, "The nurse told me to tell you to wear these."

 

"Why?" he asked softly, running a hand through his hair.

 

"Nick, just out the on. Don't be an ass." Carisi guided Nick's hand to his face, laughing as he poked him in the eye a few times. "There" he laughed, smiling as Nick's face turned red.

 

 

 

After the two arrived back at Carisi's apartment, Nick had gained back more of his vision and he could guide himself throughout the house alright.

 

"Do you want anything?" Sonny asked quietly, watching the way Nick turned each corner as if something were there to jump out at him. "Elliot isn't here, Nick. It's safe."

 

"Right" Nick mumbled, "What am I about to sit on? I can't make it out."

 

"My bed" Sonny cooed, "I'll take the couch tonight. I don't have a guest bedroom."

 

Nick whined, "I don't want to kick you out of your own bed" he whispered.

 

"I'm sure as hell not giving you the sofa" the other detective replied.

 

"Sleep with me then? Not in that matter, but actual sleeping. I don't want to make you sleep on the couch." Carisi only sighed, too tired to actually pick a fight with Amaro. He pulled off his shirt and climbed into bed alongside Nick.

 

"I'm so glad you're okay" he whispered, flipping on the TV and turning off the light. "You gave us all a scare." Carisi smoothed Nick's hair back and let him strip his shirt and pants before pulling him close as he began to hum a soft lullaby, not stopping until he was sure that Nick had fallen into a deep sleep.


	5. Maybe I Really Am Nothing

Carisi was already up and around by the time Nick stumbled into the kitchen with a blanket draped around his shoulders, "Morning" he mumbled, running a shaky hand though his hair.

 

"Hey, Nick" Sonny whispered, quickly moving to help his friend sit down. "How are you feeling today?"

 

"I'm really fucking sore" Nick replied, watching as Carisi put another blanket around him, "You don't have to take off work to be with me. I'll be okay." He yawned and closed his eyes, laying back and hissing as a shot of pain rushed down his back.

 

"Liv came by and dropped off some pain-killers for you. Along with some paperwork." Carisi put down two pills for Nick after going over to the kitchen to get him a cup of water. "She also told me to say here with you, since your eye sight is really crucial."

 

"I can see just fine" Nick shrugged, picking up the candle that was next to his cup of water.

 

"Nick" Sonny smirked, sitting down on the table next to the soft, "That's a candle"

 

"Okay, so maybe my vision isn't completely back" Nick sighed, smiling as Sonny handed him his cup. "Thanks." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, "It's like I have my vision, but it's blurred, like I need glasses."

 

"If that were the case, Nick, you would still be table to tell a cup from a candle" Sonny laughed, ruffling Nick's hair, "I'm going to run up to the station for a few hours, we are still processing Elliot - it is taking a bit longer since he was a former SVU detective. Amanda is going to come by whilst I'm gone so she can look after you."

 

Nick nodded slowly, "Can I come with you? I want to see Elliot."

 

"Nick, I don't think that is such a great idea. You are trying to get out of this relationship, you can't keep going back to him - especially when he is facing up to eleven years in prison for nearly beating you to death!" Sonny took a deep breath, hardly being able to resist Nick's puppy dog face. "I'll tell you what, Amanda will come look after you for a few hours, then when we have Elliot processed and all of that - I'll call you and Rollins can bring you by so you two can talk."

 

Nick nodded sadly, looking down at the ring on his finger. "That sounds fair." He sighed softly and ran a hand though his hair, "But you have to let me ease my way out of this relationship." He nearly jumped ten feet in the air as there was a knock at the door, his eyes wide.

 

"Nick, it really isn't healthy for you to ease out of this" Sonny replied as he answered the door, smiling down at Amanda and inviting her in. "Amanda is here, Nick. I'll call you later and let you know what's happening." And with that, Carisi was out the door.

 

Amanda hummed and sat beside Nick, "How are you holding up, Amaro?" she asked quietly, trying not to frighten the detective. She bit her lip when Nick remained silent, "Listen, I know we had a bit of a fallin' out, but you can still talk to me."

 

"It's not about that" Nick murmured, "I don't care about the fight... I just.. Don't know"

 

"You know Sonny really likes you, right?" she up, watching as Nick shifted awkwardly. "And he cares about you, as do the rest of us, which is why we don't want to send you back home with Elliot. You can't risk getting hurt like that again. I mean, Nick, you could have died from this. You could have gone permanently blind." She pressed a kiss to her friend's head and smiled, "I brought my guitar if you want to play."

 

Nick smiled, waiting until Amanda put the guitar into his hands, "Anything you want me to play?"

 

"How about that song you sang to Dolores Rodriguez at Hector's vigil? Since the anniversary is coming up and all..."

 

Nick smiled and began to strum the guitar strings, his eyes closing as he thought back on the day he had to breath the horrible news of Hector's death to his mother;

 

_"Hush now, watch the stars fall,_

_into a fire wall,_

_I am waiting here..._

_waiting for you to come home..."_

 

He opened his eyes and let a few tears fall onto the guitar, his voice echoing through the house.

 

_"Singing embers glow,_

_melting icy snow,_

_And I am waiting here,_

_waiting for you to come home..."_

 

He hummed quietly, looking down to 'see' his finger placement on the neck of the guitar, his mind beginning to wonder;

 

_"And I watch them burn,_

_when will I ever learn?_

_If I wait, it doesn't mean that you will return..._

 

_...Now all the stars have gone,_

_faded into cracks of down,_

_and I'm still waiting here,_

_waiting for you to come home..."_

 

Nick looked up at Amanda, smiling even brighter as she joined in on the last verse. Finally, when the song ended, Nick hummed and wiped his tears away, "I have one I want to sing at this year's vigil, so tell me what you think about this one..." He cleared his throat and began to play, "I had to make everything into guitar chords for this" he murmured before he began to sing;

 

_"You can be amazing,_

_you can turn a phase into a weapon or a drug,_

_you can be an outcast,_

_or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love,_

_or you can start speaking up._

 

_Nobody's gonna hurt you the way words do,_

_when they settle 'neathe your skin,_

_Kept on the inside and no sunlight,_

_sometimes your shadow wins,_

_but I wonder what would happen if you.._

 

_Say what you wanna say,_

_and let the words fall out,_

_honestly, I wanna see you be brave!_

_with what you want to say,_

_and let the words fall out,_

_honestly, I wanna see you be brave!"_

 

Nick was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing - and when he saw it was Carisi, he handed Amanda's guitar back to her before answering his phone with a groggy 'hello'.

 

"Hey, Nick, we have Elliot processed, a court date, and we think it would be best if Amanda brought you down here so you and Barba could talk to Stabler"

 

"Oh, okay" Nick murmured as he hung up the phone, his hands already beginning to shake. "We have to go up to the station to meet Barba" he squeaked out, squeezing Amanda's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had to get some Nick singing in there. Hope you guys like it.


	6. Leverage

Once Amanda had dropped Nick off at the station, Nick smiled and got out of the car,  "Thanks 'Manda" he said sweetly, fixing the bandage around his head before making his way inside.

 

Carisi met Nick in the front and grabbed his hand, "Do you want to talk to Elliot or Barba first?"

 

"Elliot" Nick whispered, walking alongside Sonny. When they entered the room, Elliot sat in a holding cell with his hands cuffed in front of him. He normally would have been in a more secure place, but he was fixing to be transferred to Rikers.

 

"Ell..." Nick whispered, stepping up to the bars.

 

"Nicki" Elliot spat, "Glad to see you're okay." He sighed and stepped up to the bars to face Nick, "So is this the detective you've been screwing behind my back? The one that stole you from me!?" Elliot began to raise his voice, "You really have the balls to come down here, Nicki." He punched the bars and growled, causing Nick to fall back on his bottom. "You little whore! Screwing your co worker while you're with me! Like the slut you are! I swear when I get out of here, Nicki, I will fucking kill you! I will kill you!"

 

"That's enough" Sonny yelled, picking a sobbing Nick off the floor. "Hey, hey, it's oaky. Come on" He wrapped his arms around Nick's waist and glared at Elliot before exiting the room. "Are you okay? You're shaking, are you hurt?"

 

Nick shook his head as he curled into Sonny's arms, "Don't let him hurt me, Sonny. Please."

 

"Hey, hey, he's not getting anywhere near you if I'm around, okay?" He hugged Nick close and petting his hair. As Nick's breathing evened out, he hummed quietly and helped Nick into a more private room. "ADA Barba will be here soon."

 

Nick hugged himself tightly, his eyes falling to the floor, "Don't leave. I don't want to be alone"

 

Carisi smiled and took a seat next to Amaro, "Tell me about Elliot.. How did you two meet? Talk to me about happier times.."

 

Nick looked up at Carisi, his cheeks turning bright pink. "Why do you want to know?"

 

"Because it might make you feel better."

 

"Well," Nick began, "We met at a bar. He looked like he was having a really hard night so I bought him a drink. We talked, laughed, had lots of stuff in common so we just started meeting up there a few times a week. Then we started going out on actual dates. After six months together; he was super sweet and I loved living with him. We had tons of fun decorating and painting. Four months later, he proposed. I said yes, and we made love that night. After that was when things started changing..." Nick grew quiet, his eyes wide when they locked with Sonny's. "And here we are."

 

"Shhh..." Sonny whispered, "Stop reliving all of the bad stuff. Start creating good times." He smiled when Nick began to babble again, "Stop talking" he cooed as he leant in and pressed their lips together, cupping the side of Nick's face.

 

Nick was beyond shocked; shocked that Sonny felt this way about him. He smiled against the other's lips and began to kiss back.

 

"Ah, am I interrupting anything?" asked Rafael as he walked in and closed the door.

 

After the two pulled away, Nick ran his lips over Carisi's cheek before looking over at Barba.

 

"Okay, Amaro. If you want me to win this case, you have to make sure that I don't get any surprises. You have to tell me all about your relationship with Mr. Stabler."

 

Nick stayed quiet, his eyes darting around the room. Did he want Barba to win this case against Elliot? Did he really want Elliot to be put in prison?

 

"Nick" Carisi whispered as he put his hand on Nick's shoulder, "Do you need a minute?"

 

"Where do you want me to start?" asked Nick, taking Sonny's hand and taking a deep breath.

 

"When did the abuse first start?" asked Barba. He grabbed his notepad and looked up at Nick. "Remember, nothing left out."

 


	7. The Scariest Part Is Letting Go

Nick took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, "It started after we got engaged. He started getting really jealous very easily. He began to put me down a lot and yelling every time I would do something he didn't like." He began to curl around Carisi as he spoke, "But then he started drinking, that's when it started getting physical. It started out as a slap here and there, then an 'I'm sorry' . But when I started coming home later than usual, he would punch me and accuse me of cheating. Even after that, it progressed even more to be getting random beatings. It's almost like he got off on it. It's horrible."

 

Rafael nodded and set his pen down, "Was he drunk at any of these times of assault?"

 

Nick shook his head, "No, he was sober. Or he had only had a bottle of beer." The detective looked over at Sonny and felt a light blush dust his cheeks, "And at the time of my accident, I had told Sonny about everything. Elliot showed up and Sonny was just trying to protect me. Just as Elliot was coming back, I had given Sonny a hug. He didn't want to leave when Elliot told him to, but I'm afraid to think about what might have happened to me if Elliot knew that Sonny knew about the abuse."

 

Rafael nodded and stood up, "I believe we have everything in order now, Detective, I will be right back."

 

Once the ADA was gone, Sonny pulled Nick into his lap and smiled, petting his hair slowly. "You're doing great."

 

Nick nodded sadly and laid his head on Carisi's shoulder, "Can you take me home after this? I'm not feeling so great." He yawned and stretched out, flenching as Sonny unwrapped the bandage around his head to examine the stitches, "Put it back" he whined.

 

"I'm just making sure that none of them have come out and they're not infected. You're going to have to show these to the jury if you want them to put Elliot in prison. Along with a lot of your scars." Sonny pulled a clean roll of gauze out of his back and wrapped it around Nick's head, pressing a light kiss over his stitches.

 

"You can take Nick home, Carisi. We have everything we need. Nick, get well soon and don't worry. We  _will_ win this case."

 

Sonny smiled and helped Nick to his feet, "Let's get out of here." He picked up his bag and bid Rafael a goodbye and took Nick's hand as they exited the court house.

 

 

 

Once they had arrived back at Carisi's house, Nick curled up on the couch and made grabby hands for Sonny, who only laughed and laid down by Nick, "So, what are you going to do now? You aren't staying in that house, are you?"

 

"Well, I'm not sure where else I would go," Nick said sadly, "So I've got to stay in the house." Nick sighed and closed his eyes, , "Or I would have to go out to LA and live with Maria and Zara."

 

Sonny sat up and ran his fingers up Nick's chest, "You can stay here if you would like. I'd love to have you here, baby."

 

"Baby?" Nick questioned, looking down at the other Detective.

 

"Well, It think it fits you, don't you think?" Sonny kissed Nick's jaw and grinned, "To be honest with you, Nicki, I've always thought you were super cute and I really like you." He grinned and moved his lips to Nick's mouth, causing the other to tense. 

 

"Listen, Sonny," Nick said softly, "I like you too, but keep in mind that you are helping me  _prosecute_ my fiancé. So before we really jump into a relationship, I would like to ease my way out of this." He looked down at Sonny any smiled, "But I want you to know that this isn't a rejection or anything like that. It's a yes, I would love a relationship, but just let me make sure it's safe for the both of us."

 

Sonny grinned and squeezed Nick's hand, "I'll be with you every step of the way." He kissed the side of Nick's shoulder before grabbing his phone as it buzzed. "Hello?"

 

Nick watched as Sonny talked, his eyes darting to his free hand as it balled into a fist. He tensed and moved closer, "Carisi?" When the other hung up, Nick frowned and grabbed Carisi's hand. "What is it?"

 

Sonny sighed, "Elliot is out on bail, so I don't want you going anywhere alone until the court date, okay? If you have to get out, I want you to take your gun, and I'm coming with you. Barba is getting an order of protection for you. He isn't getting anywhere near you."

 

"Please don't let him hurt me, please," Nick whimpered as he curled into Sonny's side.

 

"Don't worry," Carisi whispered, pulling Nick into his lap. "You're safe. Always will be." He smiled as he cooed soothing words into Nick's hair as he held onto him protectively, but still cautious of his injuries. "We're all keeping you safe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Christina Perri's The Words.


	8. Ashes, Ashes, They All Fall Down

Kiss after kiss, Sonny led Nick back into his bedroom, his eyes dark with lust as Nick fell back on the bed. "Fuck, Nicki. So much for taking things slow." Sonny laughed, crawling on top of Nick and connecting their lips in a needy, lustful kiss.

 

"Sonny, please. Take me." Nick whined and ran a hand down Carisi's back, gripping his hip tightly as he stared up at the other with big, innocent looking eyes.

 

"Do you even have to ask?" Sonny purred, kissing Nick's nose. He pulled Nick's boxers off and smiled, "On all fours, I want to see that gorgeous ass that you spent all day flaunting."

 

Nick groaned and turned over, smirking s Sonny spanked him. But it quickly faded when he heard Sonny wince. "What is it, baby?" He turned over and sat up, playing a hand on the others shoulder and curling up in his lap.

 

Sonny reached around Nick's waist and down to the curve of his hip, running his fingers over what felt like scarred skin. Frowning, he turned Nick around again, looking down to where his fingers met the scarred skin in the shape of an 'E'. His heart sank as it came to realisation of what might have happened, "Did Elliot  _brand_ you!?" he squeaked out, arms wrapped protectively around Nick's waist.

 

"Do you want the full story or just one word answer?" replied Nick.

 

"A short version of the story."

 

Nick took a deep breath and closed his eyes, "After a while, I kept coming home late because of work, and he thought I was always cheating. So he put an 'E' on my hip to let the others guys know that I was ' _owned'"_ He sighed and laid his head back against Carisi's chest, "It's okay, I've made my peace with it."

 

Sonny pressed a kiss to Nick's shoulder, "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could make it disappear."

 

"Sonny, really. I've made peace with it. It doesn't matter anymore." Nick rubbed his eyes and stood up, pulling his boxers on and stretching his back. "I don't know about you, but I am  _starving"_

 

"Yeah, I could go for some food, do you want to go out, or order some take out?" Sonny paused for a moment before looking at Nick and laughing. 

 

"Take out," they said in unison. Sonny grabbed his phone, "Pizza or Chinese?"

 

"Chinese," Nick replied, pressing a kiss to Carisi's face, "But you should probably clean out your fridge before things start coming to life in there."

 

"Yeah, you're right," Sonny murmured, heading into the kitchen and grabbing a garbage-bag. He laughed softly and opened his fridge, dumping a bunch of half eaten foods and almost empty to-go container. The bag was half-full by the time he was finished, and his fridge near empty except for case of beer and some juice. "I need to go to the market," he sighed, tying the bag, "I'm going to take this out, I'll be back in a minute. Don't open the door, I'm taking my key and locking it."

 

"Yes,  _dad"_ Nick laughed, watching as Sonny headed out the door.

 

It wasn't a  _long_ walk to the dumpster ally, but it still took about two or three minute. Sonny finally threw the heavy bag of crap into the dumpster. He stretched his arms and turned around, eyes widening when he heard the click of a gun loading.

 

"Hello,  _Sonny,"_ said a voice, Sonny's eyes widening as he realised who was behind the gun.

 

"Elliot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Poppy Xander's Paisley. Short chapter, but they should be getting longer soon since I'm starting to get into some real events.


	9. I'm Holding On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Putting a note here for a warning of a rape scene.

"Now that I have you where I want you, I'm calling the shots." Elliot snarled and pushed the Detective to his knees, "One word and I'll blow your fucking brains out."

 

"What do you want, Elliot? I'm not letting you hurt Nick anymore." Sonny squeaked when Elliot shoved him face first to the ground.

 

 

After a while, Nick began getting anxious and concerned. Where the hell could Sonny have gone?

 

Nick feared the worst, like always. He grabbed his gun and made his way outside, slowly walking toward the ally. The Detective heard mumbling; familiar sounding mumbling. _Elliot._ He whipped around the corner, eyes widening when he saw Sonny on the ground and Elliot holding a gun to his head.

 

"Elliot, stop, "Nick whimpered, watching his as his fiancé turned around, "What do you want?"

 

"Isn't it obvious?" Elliot purred, moving closer to Nick. "I want you! It always been you, Nicki. Always. I love you; don't send me to jail."

 

Nick loaded his gun, his eyes filling with tears, "I'm sorry, but we wouldn't be here if you loved me."

 

"Oh?" Elliot scoffed, pulling the trigger on Sonny, sending a bullet into his ankle. He pointed his gun to Nick and sighed, "Drop the gun." He laughed bitterly when Nick did as he was told. He moved closer, close enough to stroke his lover's face, "You're so beautiful... So precious. Too bad you had to run off like a  _whore!"_ Elliot hit Nick in the face with his gun. Hard.

 

"Kill me if you hate me so much!" Sonny cried, struggling to stand. "I'm only trying to give Nick a better life."

 

"Oh, I won't kill you. If you want him, take him. But we'll see how much you like putting him back together again." Elliot growled and pulled Nick to his feet, only to shove him into the concrete wall again, "Make a sound and I'll kill your boyfriend." He pushed Nick's legs apart, working his sweat pants off. A small smile crept on Elliot's face as he forced himself inside Nick. He kept his hand over his "lover's" face to keep him from screaming for help. Nick turned his head to look at Sonny, who was struggling to grab his broken phone.

 

Sonny could see every bit of pain and fear inside Nick's eyes. He finally managed to grab his phone, quickly sending  a 911 text to Liv, explaining in short that he had been shot and Nick was..  _Raped._ He wanted nothing more than to help Nick, but he couldn't even stand. He was forced to watch.

 

Nick fell to the ground when Elliot finished inside him, blood and spunk running down his thighs. Elliot was going to run. Sonny  _had_ to keep him talking.

 

"You're pathetic" he rasped, glaring at Elliot as he turned around. "Look at you. You quit being a cop, only to become just like the people you stopped. Your boyfriend was  _afraid_ of you,  _afraid!_ So you smack him around a little more and tell him you're sorry, only to  _rape him."_

 

He watched as Liv came up behind Elliot, "Have fun in prison." When Olivia finally had Elliot in hand cuffs, she let the paramedics in, putting Carisi onto a stretcher and helping Nick dress and get in the ambulance. 

 

Carisi held nick's hand and smiled weakly, "It's okay. I'll put you back together. You can live with me."

 

Nick nodded slowly, letting the medics put some butterfly stitches on his face, "I would like that.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by AnsoticcA's I'm Alive. Sorry about the wait!


	10. Feeding My Insomnia

A few months had gone by since Nick's assault; things were slowly returning to normal around the squad room, although Nick was still a little traumatised, he didn't say much. Nick was pretty quiet, jumpy.. Everyone felt bad for him, but knew better than to try and comfort him. Sonny and Nick had begun their [somewhat] relationship, and by  _somewhat_ they meant that the weren't calling each other boyfriend and boyfriend just yet.

 

Nick wrapped his hoodie tightly around himself, unsure of where to put it. He sat down in his office chair and sighed, his eyes falling shut for a moment. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, eyes widening for a moment. "Sonny," he murmured.

 

"Sorry, Nicki," Carisi said nervously, running his thumb over Nick's cheek, "I didn't mean to scare you." He sat down next to Amaro and smiled, "So I was thinking... You and I can go to dinner tonight? Or go by the market and get things to make dinner with?" He had added that last suggestion, thinking that Nick was still afraid to be out at night when he saw a look of unease growing on the other detective's face.

 

"Can we get something and bring it home to cook it?" Nick nervously played with his tie, eyes darting around as he heard a few people shuffling behind him.

 

"Sure, kiddo," Carisi cooed, smiling softly at his 'boyfriend', "Since we get off in a few minutes, we should see what we want to get. Do you want to make some stir fry? I know you like that, or maybe some shrimp burritos, you love those."

 

"Those are two  _very_ different things, amore." Nick stood up when he checked his phone, pulling the hoodie over his head, "Time to go. I'm getting hungry."

 

Carisi smiled and stretched his lanky body before grabbing his keys and phone, "Did you decide what you wanted?"

 

"I like the idea of shrimp burritos," Nick giggled, hesitantly taking Sonny's hand as they left the precinct.

 

They walked, and walked, Nick slowly stretched out his other hand and wrapped it around Sonny's hip, standing in front of him. "You have some sauce on your face from lunch," he laughed.

 

"And you let me walk around like that?" laughed Sonny.

 

"I didn't want to embarrass you!"

 

  
Whatever makes you happy, guapo."

 

"Oh, so you moved onto Guapo now?"

 

Sonny grinned, "Well, let's face it, you are pretty damn sexy."

 

Nick rolled his eyes and continued on walking, "Not as much as you. All you need to do is not gel your hair back so much. It looks better all fluffy."

 

The two finally got to the market and got what they needed, quickly getting out of there. Nick was shaking by the time they got back to their apartment. Sonny quickly put everything down before heading over to Nick's side, "Come on, give me your hand big guy."

 

Nick held out a shaky hand, watching Sonny run his fingers up and down his forearm.

 

"Just breathe," he cooed, rubbing the palm of Nick's hand with his thumb, "Sweetie, just breathe. It's okay. No one will hurt you now. You're safe here with me, in my apartment." Sonny spoke slowly, calmly, waiting until Nick nodded and squeezed his hand, "Shh, it's okay. Just breathe," he repeated, smiling as Nick pulled his hand away.

 

"Thanks," Nick whispered. He rubbed the back of his neck, "Can we start dinner now?"

 

Sonny pressed a kiss to Nick's face, looking up at him with puppy-dog eyes, letting Nick lace his fingers in his hand and pull him into a deeper kiss. 

 

"Do you remember that one time when you and I were talking about you having all of those toys and bondage gear?"

 

"You mean three day ago?"

 

Nick blushed, "Yeah.. Well, I think I'm ready for you to try it on me."

 

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, but was at a loss for words to say the least. "Nicki, I don't know.. I mean, you still have flashbacks to that night and I-"

 

"I'm ready, honestly." Nick smiled, "I've been thinking about it ever since."

 

"Do you want to think it over while we have dinner because I think-" Sonny was cut off by a bruising kiss and a huff of the word 'now'. He pulled away from the other and bit his lip, "What is your safe word? I'm not starting anything without you giving me a safe word."

 

"Guava," Nick shrugged, "It's the first thing that came to mind."

 

Carisi pulled Nick into a kiss, "Bedroom. Strip, on your back, legs open, no touching yourself."

 

Nick smiled, doing as he was told and making his way back to their bedroom.

 

Sonny took a few deep breaths; it had been quite a while since he'd been dominant with anyone. His top concern was bringing back some PTSD moments for Nick. He sighed and closed his eyes, taking a moment to get into a character. One last sigh, he made his way into the bedroom when he saw Nick in one of the sexiest poses he'd ever seen, "Good boy. Do you know why you're here today?"

 

"No, I-"

 

"No,  _sir!"_

 

"No, sir. I don't know why I'm here."

 

Sonny gripped Nick's cock and squeezed it, which made the latino whimper. He smirked and knelt down, grabbing a blogger from the plastic tub from under the bed, along with a air of pink handcuffs, "On your knees with your hands behind your back." When Nick did as he was told, Carisi couldn't help but spank Nick with the flogger as hard as he could, smiling as Nick squirmed.

 

"One," Nick whined as Sonny hit him, once for his real 'punishment' this time.  _Smack!_ "Two" he squeaked out. His ass and back hurt so fucking bad. It almost reminded him of - _Smack! -_ Elliot... A few tears rolled down his face as he began to picture Elliot spanking him in something that wasn't a BDSM scene, "Guava!" he cried.

 

Sonny immediately dropped the flogger and uncuffed nick, "It's okay, it's okay." He grabbed the damp washcloth from the bedside table and wiped his back with it; cleaning already bruised and bleeding welts that littered his skin. He sat back and let his shaken boyfriend crawl into his lap. Sonny pet his hair slowly, beginning to sing.

 

" _You are my sunshine,_ _  
_

_my only sunshine,_

_you make me happy,_

_when skies are grey."_

 

He kissed Nick's forehead, letting him calm down and breathe as he sang.

 

  
" _Please don't take my sunshine away."_

 

Nick yawned and cuddled into Sonny, "I'm sorry."

 

"Hey, you don't need to be sorry. That's silly." Sonny stood up again and grabbed his and Nick's boxers, "Put these on, I'll go and get you some water."

 

"No, don't go," Nick whispered, clinging onto Sonny's waist and whining. 

 

Sonny hummed, laying back and rubbing Nick's back, "It's okay. I'm glad you said your safe word instead of continuing to go along with it."

 

"Thanks for stopping." Nick sat up and hissed as he put his boxers on, "Maybe we should go make dinner before we fall asleep."

 

Sonny laughed and kissed Nick's nose, "Well, I suggest we order something instead of cooking."

 

"I like that suggestion," Nick laughed, grabbing his phone, "Pizza?"

 

"Pizza."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Kamelot's Insomnia. I'm uploading two chapters in one day! Ideas are swarming for this fic, and I'm excited to show you guys how I plan on ending this.


	11. Chasing My Insanity

It was now six months since Nick's assault; he and Sonny were now open with their relationship, but Sonny couldn't say he was exactly 'happy'. Although he really liked Nick and cared for him a great deal, it was just so damn difficult being with him. He felt like he couldn't be himself around Nick in fear or scaring him. Not to mention they rarely got very intimate. They would kiss, clothes would begin coming off, but before Sonny could get anywhere near Nick's ass, Nick would whine and pull away. As selfish as Sonny hated to sound, he wanted nothing more than to just make love to his new boyfriend. Of course he would never force himself on Nick, "Are you coming to bed soon?" asked Sonny, leaning against the door frame to their bedroom with his hands in his pyjama pants pockets.

 

Nick nodded, slowly pulling the icepack off his face and rolling off the couch, "I'll be there in a few."

 

"Okay, babe." Sonny sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He liked nick, a lot, but had no idea what to do. He felt like he spend more time being Nick's therapist and care giver more than he felt like a boyfriend; the detective wanted to hep put nick back together, but another part of him thought there was nothing he could do and that he should end it.

 

"Are you okay?" asked Nick as he walked in past Sonny and crawled into bed.

 

"I'm not sure, honestly." Sonny laid down next to Nick and rolled over to face the other detective, running a hand through his thick, dark hair, "Just a lot on my mind."

 

"Anything I can help?" asked Nick as he cuddled into Sonny's side with a smile. He yawned and closed his eyes, "If I can help at all, just let me know."

 

"You're a sweetie," Sonny laughed, kissing the top of Nick's head. If only he could talk to Nick about what was racing through his head, he wanted to tell him that he wasn't happy in this relationship, he wanted to tell Nick that he needed professional help if he wanted the relationship to work, and he wanted to, but when he opened his mouth to speak and laid his eyes on Nick's puppy-dog eyes, all his tension and problems with Nick melted away. "I'll work it out. You don't need to worry."

 

"Are you sure, baby?" asked Nick as he traced small patterns on Carisi's chest. With one final yawn, Nick flipped out the light and closed his eyes, "Please let me know if you want to talk about anything that is bothering you. I love you and I want you to be happy."

 

"Shh, get some rest, baby. You need it more than anything right now." Sonny hummed and brought the blanket over his boyfriend, "Close your eyes, I'll protect you from the monsters."

 

"Fuck you," Nick laughed, "Goodnight."

 

 

 

Nick woke up late the next morning to the smell of food cooking. Yawning, he checked his phone for any missed calls or texts from Liv or Amanda; when he saw he was in the clear, he rolled out of bed and made his way into the kitchen, smiling at Sonny, who was sitting on a bar stool and shoving eggs into his mouth, "Were you raised in a barn?" Nick laughed as he leant against the counter. 

 

"No, but I'm hungry," Sonny laughed, "I got hungry waiting for you to get up," sonny stood up an pressed a kiss to Amaro's face, "I made your favourite... I made cheese and rice with some biscuits.. I know you hate eggs so of course I left those out."

 

"You are the best, baby," Nick grinned, happily pulling Sonny into a kiss and lacing his fingers in the blondish-grey hair.

 

Sonny kissed Nick softly, wrapping his arms around the other's waist. Maybe this would work out after all, "Have you considered Live's idea of you getting therapy?"

 

Nick tensed for a moment, "I told you already, Sonny, I don't want therapy. I know all the tricks."

 

"Maybe you could unlearn some of them, then." Sonny sighed, wrapping his arms tightly around nick's waist, "I just want you to get better."

 

Nick rolled his eyes and continued to eat after pulling away, "I'm fine."

 

"No, Nick, you're not fine. You still have nightmares, you still jump at every little nose and when someone couches your shoulder or back. You're not okay. You need help."

 

Nick looked up at Sonny and scoffed, "I'm sorry that I get a little jumpy considering I've been abused for four year and then being raped at gun point!"

 

Sonny tensed at the raise in Nick's voice, "Calm down. You don't need to raise your voice." He put his hands up in defence, "I won't bring it up anymore, okay? I'm sorry."

 

Nick gave one last cold glare to Sonny before standing up, "I know you will have the others bring it up, so don't bother."

 

Sonny sat down on the couch and sighed, "Come sit with me, baby. I'l tell you a story."

 

"Can it be a scary story?" Nick asked softly, slowly shuffling over to Sonny. He laid his head on his boyfriend's lap and stretched out across the couch, "Is this okay?"

 

"Of course," Sonny cooed, running his fingers though Nick's hair, "Bad hair day, huh?"

 

"Fuck you, Carisi, I just got up." Nick closed his eyes, listening as Sonny mocked his sentence, "I hate you."

 

"I know," Sonny laughed, moving his hand down to scratch at Nick's back, "Shh, you could go back to sleep, it's way too early for you to be awake. I know you didn't sleep much last night. I felt you shaking and heard you whimpering almost every other hour. It's too early for you to be awake. Way too early.

 

Nick sighed, squeaking as Carisi scooped him up in his arms, "Put me down! you know I hate when you do that!"

 

Carisi sighed and hugged Nick closer, laying him down onto their bed and kissing his nose, "Like I said, you need to get some rest. I'll take you up when lunch is ready."

 

"Oh, okay," Nick murmured, eyes falling shut and a tiny smile on his face, "...I love you."

 

Sonny couldn't help but smile, "Yeah, I know," he whispered as he closed the bedroom door. He ran a hand through his hair and flopped down on the couch. He was thinking about taking a little nap himself, but decided against it when his phone buzzed and 'Barba' popped up on the screen. The detective rilled his eyes and picked up his phone, "Hello?"

 

"Carisi," said Barba on the other line, "The court date was move dup to next Monday, eight am sharp. Do you think you could meet for coffee? WE need to talk about some things.

 

"Uh, yeah. Nick is asleep right now, but I can spare about an hour or so. Café by the courthouse?"

 

"Sounds great. I'll see you when you get here." Barba hung up with a scoff, causing Carisi to frown and consider not even going. He sighed and stood up, rubbing a hand over his face again before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

 

 

One he arrived at the café, Sonny took a seat in front of Barba, a slightly worried look on his face, "I thought we made it clear that we would let nick finish his physical therapy before the court date?"

 

Rafael sighed, "The Judge needed to move it up. So we will need Nick to testify and show pictures of the scars that Mr. Stabler left on him. Even the... 'E' shaped one on his hip..."

 

"No," Carisi argued, "We can't make him show that, he can barely stand to look it it, he won't be able to talk about it or answer question about it, especially from the defence attorney,"

 

Rafael bit his lip, "I'm sorry, detective, but if we want to seal this face and get Elliot the maximum sentence, he will have to. There is no other way, I know it will be hard, but like I said, there is no other way."

 

Carisi groaned, glaring daggers at the ADA, he wanted to punch him for making Nick relive one of the most painful memories of his life; he balled his fist, gasping when Barba took hold of his hand, running his thumb over his hand, "Mr. Barba..."

 

"Call me Rafael."

 

Carisi would be lying if he said he wasn't taken aback by Rafael's sudden change in personality, "Rafael..." he murmured, "You do know that I'm with Detective Amaro, right?" he asked softly.

 

Barba bit his lip, "I do, but you don't seem very happy. You seem like you want so much more than a relationship that you feel more like leverage than a lover. I know you care about Amaro, but if you aren't happy in a relationship, you have to end it. Now, I'm not telling you this so I can get with you or Amaro or anything of that matter, but because I feel like you think you are on a leash or something like that."

 

Sonny remained quiet, his eyes falling to the ground, "I love Nick, I really do, just not in the way I thought I did. He's just...finally getting his life back on track again and he's trying to be happy again. I don't want to set him back to square one."

 

Barba sighed and stood up, "I just got called back to the office, but do whatever you think is right."

 

Sonny stood up and smiled weakly, "Thanks. I'll see you in court on Monday then." The two shook hands and parted ways, Carisi's mind racing,

 

 

Once he returned home, he made sure he was quiet enough he didn't wake Nick. The Detective sat down on the couch and sighed. Should he end things with Nick? Should he talk to Nick about it? He looked outside as little flurries of snow began to fall, making him smile.

 

"Sonny?" Nick squeaked out as he wobbled out into the lounge, rubbing his eyes. He was in one of Carisi's huge sweatshirts, "It's really cold. Can I have another blanket?"

 

"Sure, Nick," Carisi said softly, "They're in the closet behind you."

 

Nick nodded and turned around, grabbing a blanket from the little closet, "Something on your mind, baby? You look a little down."

 

Sonny bit his lip, tapping his fingers on his thigh, "Nicky, sit down. We need to talk."

 

Nick tensed, "About what?"

 

Carisi ran a hand through his hair, "You... Us..." His heart sank when he saw every bit of nick's happiness fade away, "Come here.."

 

Nick whimpered, his eyes falling to his hands as they tugged at the sleeves of the oversized sweatshirt. HE slowly sat on the couch, watching Sonny's actions very closely.

 

"Listen, Nick," Sonny mumbled, "I love you, so so much, I really do,  but I really think you need some kind of psychological therapy. If you want this relationship to work for both of us, then you need to get  help."

 

Nick tensed, his hands starting to shake, "I don't need help,  _Dominick!"_ he suddenly snapped, "I'm completely fine!"

 

"Nick if you were fine, you wouldn't turn every corner like Elliot will be right there. If you were fine, you wouldn't be so scared of getting intimate with me. I'm sorry, Nick, but if you're not willing to get help, then I can't do this anymore."

 

Sonny but his lip, watching as Nick stood up and hugged himself, "I'll go," he whispered, making his way into the bedroom and grabbing a few of his things before making his way back into the lounge, his eyes locked with Sonny's.

 

"Nick, I'm giving you a choice to get back on your feet, to take your life back." Sonny stood up and grabbed Nick's hand, "Please? For me?" He watched as Nick gripped his bag tighter, grunting as he was pulled into a kiss.

 

"I'll see you at work tomorrow, Carisi," Nick whispered as he opened the door and walked out, tears already rolling down his face.

 

Sonny was left in silence, frozen. He couldn't even bring himself to go after Nick. What was he going to do now? Transfer precincts?

 

 

It had been a good three hours since Nick had walked out on Sonny; he wasn't sure where he was going to go. He couldn't go to Fin or Amanda, especially not Olivia. As the detective looked around, he soon realised he was near Barba's apartment. Fuck, he hated to do this, but it was could and he didn't have much of a choice. Well, he did, but he wasn't about to get help he didn't need. Sighing, he stepped up onto Barba's porch, hesitantly knocking on the door. He waited for a few minutes, wiping away his tears before Barba finally opened the door.

 

"Detective Amaro?"

 

Nick whimpered, looking down as tears began to fall again, "C-Can I... Come in?" he asked quietly, in an almost broken tone.

 

Rafael bit his lip; he wanted to run his fingers through Nick's hair and tell him it would be alright. Sighing, he nodded and stepped aside, watching as Nick dragged himself inside, "Do you want some tea?" He smiled nervously at the detective, "It's freezing outside, and it might help you warm up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title by Kamelot's Insomnia.


	12. Chapter 12

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Nick and Carisi had ended things. Carisi had been an emotional wreck since then, Nick hadn't even shown up to work; he spent most of his time sitting in the dark of Rafael's bedroom. Rafael would come home at lunch to make sure Nick was okay, and bring him something to eat - not that he ever did. He wouldn't eat but a few bites of whatever was brought to him.

 

Rafel walked into the precinct, holding quite a few files full of paperwork. He looked over at Carisi, who was sitting quietly at his desk with his head in his hands.

 

"Detective Carisi," Barba said softly, "Nick is... He's not doing very well. I think you need to do something."

 

"I'm not doing anything. He needs to be the one to get help, and he doesn't want it. Carisi stood up and looked over at Nick's empty desk; he missed Nick like crazy, but if Nick didn't want help, then Sonny wouldn't give him any, "He's your problem now."

 

Barba snarled, "You don't have to be such a heartless dick, considering he is your ex boyfriend, and on the verge of a psychotic break or even suicide!" He gathered his things and stormed off, his eyes burning with tears. How could Sonny be so in love with Nick, and then be so heartless in a matter of days? He  _watched_ Nick get raped, he took him in, and now he doesn't even care?

 

He finally arrived back to his apartment and went into t he guest room to check on Nick. Slowly, Rafael opened the door, his heart breaking at the sounds of Nick whimpering and sniffling, "Nick," he whispered, taking a seat on the bed and pulling the detective onto his lap, "Shh, talk to me. Is there anything I can do?"

 

Nick fell silent for a moment, his eyes half lidded as he looked up at the ADA, "Kiss me," he murmured, already closing his eyes and leaning in before Barba could even process his words.

 

When their lips connected, Rafael gasped and tried to half-heartedly push Amaro away. "Nick," he said softly against his lips, "Detective." Nick only cuddled against the other man more, desperate for love again. Tears rolled down his face, which Rafael felt against his face and gently thumbed them away. When Nick pulled away to breathe, Rafael shot up off the bed and straightened his tie, "Detective Amaro..."

 

Nick looked up at his friend, his face twisted in a look of pain, "If you're going to hit me, just do it."

 

Rafael felt his heart clench, "I'm not going to hit you, Nick. I'm just... A bit taken aback is all."

 

Nick sniffled and locked eyes with Rafael, "I'm.. Sorry," he whimpered, hugging himself tightly.

 

Rafael sat down in the chair beside Nick's bed, "You never really told me what happened. Between you and Mr. Stabler.. I need to hear your side of the story. The court date had been moved up to next Monday. I tried to object.. I did. But.."

 

"No, it's okay. But I did tell you what happened between Elliot and I.."

 

"I meant after he raped you.."

 

Nick tensed, "I.. He.."

 

"It's okay, Amaro. Just take a deep breath."

 

The detective bit his lip, "He followed me to Detective Carisi's apartment. When Carisi went to take out the garbage, that's when they met. I got worried when Carisi didn't come back for a while, so I went out to make sure he was okay..When I found him... That's when Elliot shot him and then pushed me into the wall. He... He forced himself inside me.. A-And held a gun to my head and told me not to scream or he would kill me.." Nick hugged himself and let out a quiet sob before looking up at Rafael, "And now Sonny left me and I have no one..3

 

Sighing, Barba reached a hand out to pet Nick's hair, "You have me," he cooed, "And I won''t be able to win the case unless you show some of your scars. Even the.. The brand on your hip."

 

Nick froze and looked up, "How do you know about that?"

 

"Elliot told me."

 

Nick nodded and looked down, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders, "Why would he tell you that?"

 

"He tried to make it like it was a coincidence, but of course I knew better than to believe his bullshit." Barba sighed, stroking Nick's face, smiling when the detective pushed into his touch, "You look hungry. Do you want me to make you anything?"

 

Nick shook his head, "No, I'm not hungry. But thank you, though." He looked down at Barba and smiled, "Can you pet my hair some more?"

 

Rafael smiled softly, hugging Nick as he ran his fingers through the jet black strands of hair, "I'm sorry you broke up with Carisi.."

 

"Yeah, me too." Nick closed his eyes as Rafael played with his hair, a slight smile spreading across his face for the first time since the break up, "That feels nice.."

 

Rafael sighed. He knew Nick just wanted some kind of love or attention, but he doubted he could give Nick what he was looking for. Besides, he had a thing for Carisi. "I'm glad. Do you think you can go to work tomorrow? Amanda and Olivia are worried about you. Amanda asked if she could come by and help cheer you up, but I figured you wouldn't want her to see you like this."

 

"I might.. If I feel better. If you're there for me in the morning.." He looked back up at the ADA and grinned, lacing their fingers together.

 

"Listen, Nick," replied Barba, "I don't think you want to start any kind of relationship with me. It wouldn't work out."

 

"We can't just be friends that cuddle? Like cuddle buddies?"

 

Rafael felt a light blush dust his cheeks and took a breath, "I don't suppose it would hurt.."

 

Nick smiled faintly and ran a hand through his hair, moving a hand to caress Barba's face, "Thank you," he said sadly, wrapping a blanket around the both of them, "Don't hurt me like Carisi did. Please.."

 

Rafael took a breath as he ran his fingers through Nick's hair again, "I won't let anyone hurt you again." His heart was racing as he realised Nick might have a completely different idea about this new...'cuddle buddy' thing. Nick might be taking any form of love and turning it into some kind of intimate relationship. IT wasn't exactly uncommon for a rape victim who had been many time abandoned.

 

Though the question was:

 

How would Rafael explain such a thing to Nick?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all these years I have made an update!! I'm sorry it took so fucking long, but I promise I'll make it up to you in the next chapter, as I'm planning to end this fic in two or three more chapter.


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